What's Wrong With Unstoppable Confidence?

 

 What do you think of when you hear the phrase  self-confidence? Is it a desirable quality, or is it some kind of ego driven, inflated assessment of one’s own abilities?
Do you desire greater confidence, or do you harbor negative feelings toward those that seem overly confident, or both?

Seeking balance

As with anything else, a balanced, healthy sense of confidence is what we should strive for. Here is a question worth considering, is it possible to have a realistic view of one’s own abilities, and still have unstoppable self-confidence?
Yes it is, and that’s where balance comes in. Confidence is an inner feeling of certainty about what we have to offer, and what we are capable of accomplishing. It is closely related to self-esteem, which is our personal estimation of our own value and worth as a person.
Without a reasonable degree of self-esteem, it is impossible to manifest extraordinary confidence. So, self-esteem levels are an important factor, and they need to be maintained within certain reasonable limits. Just as an unreasonable level of self-esteem creates an egomaniac, too much self-confidence can also prove to be unrealistic and counterproductive. If it’s unrealistic, then it is also potentially harmful on some level, physically, emotionally, or financially. How can being too confident be harmful?

Everything has its limits

While a strong sense of self-confidence will create new opportunities, it cannot change reality. For example, on a physical plane, having complete confidence that you can fly off the top of a 50-story building will not negate the force of gravity. Gravity is a force of nature, and it is not susceptible to your will. That my friend is just reality.
Here’s an example from the financial world. Dumping your life savings into a falling stock market because you have complete confidence that things are about to turn around, will not change the direction of the markets. You will either be very lucky, or very broke.
How about emotionally? Having blind faith (unrealistic confidence), as in these two examples will probably have a negative impact on your self-esteem. As a result, doubt will erode your level of confidence and you will experience an emotional set back.

Extremes aside, what benefits come from confidence?

Confidence makes life much easier and much more fun. It creates opportunities that would not exist otherwise. Having confidence gives us the energy to pursue our dreams, and the power to overcome obstacles. It gives us a sense of certainty in our ability to bring about a favorable outcome, even when others have doubt.
Many people are afraid to go for the life they truly desire. Lacking self-confidence they fear failure, worse yet, they actually anticipate it. Their lack of confidence stifles their willingness to reach out for their dreams.
On the other hand, being confident opens the doors to your dreams. When you carry yourself with confidence, people will naturally be attracted to that quality. When you have confidence in yourself, others tend to feel that way also. When you speak and act with conviction, it changes the way the world responds to you.
Developing and displaying self-confidence will change your life on almost every level. Confidence is like a powerful magnet that will attract into your life whatever opportunities, resources, or people are needed to facilitate your ability to create the life you desire.

Where does self-confidence come from?

Confidence grows, or shrinks, in response to your personal beliefs about who you are, and what you are capable of. These beliefs are influenced by your self-esteem, and reinforced by the results you have produced in previous experiences.
If your self-esteem is low, your level of commitment will also be low. Lack of confidence will cause you to hold back in expectation of failure. With only a half-hearted commitment and negative expectations, results will probably be disappointing. Being unable to produce your desired result will further erode your self-esteem. It’s a negative reinforcement loop.
On the other hand, if you already have a healthy level of self-esteem, you will likely have a correspondingly high level of self-confidence. When you take on a new challenge, you will anticipate a successful outcome and so your level of commitment will also be greater. These factors will combine to create another successful outcome, which will continue to fuel your level of confidence. This is a positive reinforcement loop.

How do we build more self-confidence?

We build our self-confidence by creating a positive reinforcement loop. This will allow us to bolster our self-esteem, increase our level of commitment, and produce our intended outcome. As a result, our self-confidence will grow. Each time the loop is completed successfully, we will become more and more confident in our own ability to succeed.

The key is to start small

Starting small allows us to control the outcome and generate some momentum. Here are five simple steps that will help you get started.
1) Choose an area in your life where you know you can take control. No matter who we are, there is always some area in our life where we feel a level of competence. Start by setting a reachable goal in that direction and then take action.
2) When you experience success, set another reachable goal in that same direction and follow through with more action.
3) Continue this pattern until you become comfortable with your ability to produce your intended outcome. Now you have created a positive reinforcement loop.
4) Next, choose a different area in your life where you have a degree of competence and repeat the process.
5) As your feelings of confidence grow, allow yourself to identify with your success. Learn to view yourself as a successful person and attach feelings of approval to your positive experiences.
You can also explain your challenge to a friend and ask them to provide you with some positive feedback every time you succeed in producing an intended result. Now you will have both an external, and an internal source of positive validation.
These steps can be followed to increase your level of self-confidence regardless of your current level. Just scale the first step according to where you are now, and build your self-confidence from there. The phrase start small is relative to where you currently are.

Start where you are and make progress

Often, it was circumstances beyond our control that had a decisive influence on our self-esteem and self-confidence. But that was then and this is now. Taking the time to build, or even rebuild, these important personal assets is definitely worth the effort.
So, in addressing our opening question, “What’s Wrong With Unstoppable Self-Confidence?” the obvious answer can only be –
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL!

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The Power of Self Talk

It’s no secret that the way we communicate with others has a direct bearing on the quality of our relationships. Our words have the power to encourage or discourage, to build up or tear down. I am sure that we have all experienced the healing power of a kind word along with the pain of someone’s cruel or careless comments.
Being aware of the powerful effect our words can have on other people’s lives, we naturally try to use our gift of speech in a responsible and compassionate way when interacting with those around us. But, let me ask you this…

Do you show yourself the same consideration?

Our ongoing dialogue with ourselves, whether internal or verbal, has a direct influence on our self-image. Self-talk may not be audible to others, but the message gets through loud and clear to your nervous system. If you belittle yourself, minimize your achievements, or express doubt in your own abilities, how will that influence your sense of self worth? Obviously, it won’t produce beneficial results.
On the other hand, positive and encouraging self-talk will contribute to feelings of inner strength and self-respect, which will have a very beneficial effect on the way you view yourself and your personal potential.

You replay your internal conversations

Self-talk is like a recording that constantly plays in your mind, and much of the time you are completely unaware of it because it occurs on a subconscious level. Negative internal conversations can have the same side effects as hurtful gossip. If those recorded messages include limiting beliefs from the past, reinforced by derogatory input from the present, the damage gets compounded.
If you are currently the victim of your own negative self-talk then here’s some good news. With a little effort those recorded messages can be erased and replaced with new, more empowering ones. Let’s look at a few simple ways to use positive self-talk to change your mental recording and empower yourself.

3 ways to empower yourself with positive self-talk

1. Build yourself up. If you’ve gotten used to tearing yourself down, you may not even notice how harshly you speak to yourself. To turn this around, you simply need to make a conscious choice to build yourself up as often as possible. Begin a new habit of speaking encouragingly and expressing positive thoughts about yourself and your abilities. For example, instead of referring to yourself as an idiot when you make a mistake, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and experience helps us to improve.
In addition, make some time every day to look at yourself in the mirror and find three positive things to say about yourself. You can compliment your physical features, personality traits, abilities or accomplishments. We all have our strong points so be sure you make the time to acknowledge yours.
Most importantly, always speak to yourself in the same way you would speak to a good friend who is in need of support and encouragement. You would never call them names or say mean things to them, so don’t do those things to yourself either!
2. Be your own cheerleader. Rather than avoiding a difficult task because you doubt your own abilities, become your own cheerleader.  When you’re getting ready to tackle something challenging, take a few minutes to give yourself a mental pep talk. Express confidence in the fact that “you can do this.”
Also, be sure to regularly commend yourself for a job well done and don’t limit your expressions of approval to just the big accomplishments. If you gave something your best effort, then go ahead and acknowledge that. For example, you could say to yourself, “I’m really proud of the way I handled that rude customer. I kept my cool the whole time.” Or, “I’m so proud of myself for finishing that project before deadline.”
Next, find some way to reward yourself so that your expressions of approval are linked to tangible benefits. This will do wonders to build your sense of self confidence.
3. Love yourself unconditionally. We all have things about ourselves that we want to improve, but our love for ourselves should not be conditional on making those improvements.  It is important that we love ourselves, not for the things we’ve done or plan to do, but for who we are. Love your uniqueness, your personality, your character traits and everything else that makes you who you are.
The more you allow yourself to feel your own love and approval, the better you will feel about your life. In turn, the easier it will be for positive self-talk to become your natural tendency.

Do it anyway

You may feel a little self conscious following some of these suggestions at first because they might be considerably different from the way you normally treat yourself. You need to do it anyway because the more you practice them, the easier and more natural they will feel.
Before you know it, those old, negative recordings that used to undermine you will be a thing of the past. They will have been replaced with encouraging and empowering messages created through the power of positive self-talk.
How are you doing in the self-talk department?
Could you relate to any of this?
The lines are open!

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Top Ten Facts about Self-Esteem

If you suffer from low self esteem (or have been told you do), or treat people with low self esteem (or think you do), please read on. There are a fair few self esteem myths that can block your progress when trying to lift self esteem..
Low self esteem has been scientifically studied and the findings of this research helped inform the facts you'll find here. (1)

Mark Tyrrell, co-author of the Self Confidence Trainer, completed a UK tours in 2002, 2003, 2004 & 2005 teaching thousands of health professionals the facts about self esteem and how to treat low self esteem in their patients. He has also co-authored a book on self esteem for Axis Publishing called The Giant Within - Maximise Your Self Esteem.In addition, Mark has created:
11 downloads on improving self esteem on our main site Hypnosis Downloads.
As you can imagine, Mark did a lot of research for his seminar 'How to Lift Low Self Esteem'. He has listed his 10 most important 'Tips' for you here.

1) Low Self Esteem Not To Blame for being bad!

Firstly people with genuinely low self-esteem, a poor self image and low confidence, have been insensitively lumped together with bullies, narcissists, criminals and child abusers. No, really!
Popular assumption was that people did bad things to other people because they, themselves have low self esteem. But if you have ever asked yourself: "Do I have low self esteem" fear not. All the evidence points to the conclusion that low self esteem is a distinct condition, so if you do have self esteem you don't have to feel that you are in the same group as bullies or abusers.
Research has found that people with genuine low self esteem tend to treat themselves badly not other people. Stopping people being bullies by trying to lift their self esteem may be like trying to get an obese person to lose weight by feeding them lots more cake.
In the 1980's there was a movement to raise self esteem in schools in the belief that this would stop bullies bullying and prevent future crime in society. But peer reviewed research has shown schools trying to raise self esteem don't prevent bullies bullying (2) (because low self esteem wasn't causing them to bully).
Artificially and ineffectively focusing on lifting self esteem doesn't raise academic performance either (3) As you'll see in fact 4 the methods schools attempted to raise self esteem may have even damaged the sense of self worth in those suffering genuine low self esteem.
Low self esteem is not to blame for nearly as many problems as has traditionally been thought. It was also assumed that self esteem could never be too high.

2) Too high Self Esteem Linked to Criminality

It is now clear that too high self esteem or 'High Self Esteem Disorder' is often more of a problem. (This is NOT merely a 'disguised' form of low self-esteem, as commonly thought). So, if you are the victim of a bully then you can rest assured you don't have to feel sorry for them.
Hundreds of pieces of reliable research now show that bullies and many criminals are much more likely to suffer from unrealistically high self esteem and impulse control problems than low self esteem. An exaggerated sense of entitlement - expecting much from many situations - is more likely to lead to frustration and aggressive, antisocial, or even criminal behaviour. If self esteem can be too low it can also be too high. It was a crazy and unwarranted assumption that all human behaviour could be explained a way by low self esteem.
So what are the symptoms of real low self esteem?

3) Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem

1. Social withdrawal
2. Anxiety and emotional turmoil
3. Lack of social skills and self confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness
4. Less social conformity
5. Eating disorders
6. Inability to accept compliments
7. An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself
8. Accentuating the negative
9. Exaggerated concern over what you imagine other people think
10. Self neglect
11. Treating yourself badly but NOT other people
12. Worrying whether you have treated others badly
13. Reluctance to take on challenges
14. Reluctance to put yourself first or anywhere.
15. Reluctance to trust your own opinion
16. Expecting little out of life for yourself

So what is likely to cause very low self esteem? Tale a look at how to build self esteem. But one major factor is history.

4) Child Abuse Increases Likelihood of Low Self Esteem

People who were abused as children (physical beating or sexual abuse) are more likely to suffer low self esteem as adults (6) They have learned that they are of little value in themselves or just an object to be used. They have been 'brain washed' by constant criticism or abuse that they are a certain way. When a person begins to question this former conditioning or brainwashing then a healthier and more accurate sense of self can begin to emerge. This happens in a similar way to how people may break away from the brainwashing of a cult. There are other forms of abuse and certainly a history of being heavily criticized or unfavorably compared to others can lead to low self esteem ("why can't you be more like your brother!").
Former abuse may lead to post traumatic stress disorder which maintains the sense of "damage" and low self worth. Once traumatic memories are dealt with effectively the mind becomes clearer to form a better self esteem. So what else does the low self esteem sufferer need?
So past conditioning (often but not always from childhood) can produce low self esteem in adults. But why didn't the drive to raise self esteem in school kids (starting in California with a legislature to raise self esteem) prevent childhood depression and low self esteem from rising?

5) You Can't Argue Someone Better!

The 1980's drive to raise low self esteem in schools backfired (4) Why? Well it was based on the idea that low self esteem can be successfully treated by a bombardment of "positive messages". But research has shown that positive affirmations actually worsen the mood of people who already have low self esteem (5). It seems that positive thinking as a "blunt instrument" used repetitively to try to brainwash people to feel better about themselves is too superficial an approach. And the person with low self esteem senses this.
Telling someone they are great or wonderful when they are constantly negative about themselves will not work. Imagine if you really detest yourself and someone tells you that you're lovely even as they are telling everyone else the same thing.
In fact people with low self esteem can be upset by disconfirming feedback. Healthy self esteem needs to emerge subtly, not as a sudden result of hearing you are 'really special' or 'fantastic'.
Paradoxically, being "too nice" to someone with very low self esteem can drive them away. People need to develop better self esteem gradually, through "proof" in the real world. Just being repeatedly told (by someone who doesn't know you that well) that "you're wonderful" has never been found to work in lifting low self esteem.
Whenever we're highly emotional our perception is distorted. When people calm down around the idea of themselves then a healthier self-esteem can emerge like a green island coming into view when mist clears.
What else do those with low self esteem need?

6) A Little More Uncertainty Can Help

Contrary to popular opinion, people with low self-esteem tend to be very sure of themselves. That's the problem. This manifests in their conviction that they are worthless or inadequate. As you will know if you have ever tried to argue with someone who puts themselves down continually, it is very hard to do! When someone with low self esteem starts to become less sure of their own opinion of themselves and therefore begins to assess counter evidence regarding their worthlessness, their self image begins to become more healthy. At first the "ugly" duckling was certain it was a failed duck but that misdirected certainty had to loosen before it's true life direction could become clear.
Good self esteem is actually a by product of living in a healthy way. So rather than trying to raise it directly it's easier to focus elsewhere (such on what a person does) and let self esteem rise as happy side effect of a change in living. What do we all need in life that will help us incidentally feel better about ourselves?

7) Build on Solid Foundations

For anyone to be psychologically and physically healthy then core needs have to be fulfilled. Being clear about what you need and making efforts to meet those needs constructively means you'll naturally have better self esteem as a by-product of living well.
This is useful list of basic human needs:

1. The need to give and receive attention
2. The need to look after your body.
3. The need for meaning, purpose and goals.
4. The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves
5. The need for creativity and stimulation
6. The need for intimacy and connection to others.
7. The need for a sense of control
8. The need for a sense of status and recognition from others.
9. The need for a sense of safety and security

Of course, it is likely that at any one time, one or more of these may be slightly lacking in your life, without dire consequences. However, in the long-term, they must all be catered for one way or another.
Something else the "low self esteemer" needs is the capacity to focus off their own emotionality and merge with experience so they gain more enjoyment from life.

8) Healthy Pleasures Are Vital

When you have a healthy level of self esteem (not self hating but not narcissistically self involved either) then you find it easier to actually forget about yourself. You'll only think about your toe if it's in pain or if you are obsessively proud of it-otherwise it can take care of itself. It's the same with your sense of self.
We all need to engage in activities which we enjoy and in which we can 'lose ourselves' regularly.
Someone's mental and even, to some extent, physical health can be directly related to how 'self-referential' they are in their conversation - as people become healthier they use the 'I' word less (7), in the same way that when your knee stops hurting you don't need to rub it any more. People should be encouraged to focus their attention away from themselves and this becomes easier once they have met their own basic emotional needs in healthy ways.
We all amplify some parts of our experience and minimize others. But if we habitually do this by expanding the bad stuff and linking that to self esteem whilst belittling the good stuff distancing positives from self esteem then it doesn't take a rocket scientist (or even a psychologist) to see that low self esteem will result.

9) Make the Most of Success

Low self esteem requires a particular attitude towards success. Whenever you succeed at something, you must 'write it off' as good luck, chance, or someone else's responsibility.
To gain a more realistic view of yourself, you need to take appropriate credit for your successes. In the Self Confidence Trainer, we call this skill 'Converting'.
This involves learning how to convert real successes into statements about your self. The other part of the picture is to view perceived failures as temporary and not statements manifestations of your 'core identity'. When you stop discounting things that go well and magnifying stuff that doesn't go so well you are less likely to be depressed or suffer low self esteem. Period.
Low self esteem treatment should consist of a balance between teaching new thinking, emotional and behavioural skills. See: How to Boost Self Esteem
Ultimately a healthy balance should be encouraged as should the development of real practical skills such as how to be assertive and build a social life.

10) It's not just about Positive Thinking!

Positive thinking can be useful in that it challenges you to form a different view on things. However, most of the time it just takes the form of arguing with yourself, and as we've seen from 4) above, this doesn't work.
Low self esteem may drive us to constantly and negatively compare ourselves to other people. As self esteem rises to a healthy level you'll find that you do this much less. Check out this 'do you have an inferiority complex?' for more ideas on how to stop negatively comparing yourself to others.
To change your self image and improve low self esteem, you need to believe in an alternative opinion of yourself through experience, not just repeat platitudes about how great you are really! After all in the words of a wise man: "If you are not for yourself then who else will be?"

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