Top Ten Facts about Self-Esteem

If you suffer from low self esteem (or have been told you do), or treat people with low self esteem (or think you do), please read on. There are a fair few self esteem myths that can block your progress when trying to lift self esteem..
Low self esteem has been scientifically studied and the findings of this research helped inform the facts you'll find here. (1)

Mark Tyrrell, co-author of the Self Confidence Trainer, completed a UK tours in 2002, 2003, 2004 & 2005 teaching thousands of health professionals the facts about self esteem and how to treat low self esteem in their patients. He has also co-authored a book on self esteem for Axis Publishing called The Giant Within - Maximise Your Self Esteem.In addition, Mark has created:
11 downloads on improving self esteem on our main site Hypnosis Downloads.
As you can imagine, Mark did a lot of research for his seminar 'How to Lift Low Self Esteem'. He has listed his 10 most important 'Tips' for you here.

1) Low Self Esteem Not To Blame for being bad!

Firstly people with genuinely low self-esteem, a poor self image and low confidence, have been insensitively lumped together with bullies, narcissists, criminals and child abusers. No, really!
Popular assumption was that people did bad things to other people because they, themselves have low self esteem. But if you have ever asked yourself: "Do I have low self esteem" fear not. All the evidence points to the conclusion that low self esteem is a distinct condition, so if you do have self esteem you don't have to feel that you are in the same group as bullies or abusers.
Research has found that people with genuine low self esteem tend to treat themselves badly not other people. Stopping people being bullies by trying to lift their self esteem may be like trying to get an obese person to lose weight by feeding them lots more cake.
In the 1980's there was a movement to raise self esteem in schools in the belief that this would stop bullies bullying and prevent future crime in society. But peer reviewed research has shown schools trying to raise self esteem don't prevent bullies bullying (2) (because low self esteem wasn't causing them to bully).
Artificially and ineffectively focusing on lifting self esteem doesn't raise academic performance either (3) As you'll see in fact 4 the methods schools attempted to raise self esteem may have even damaged the sense of self worth in those suffering genuine low self esteem.
Low self esteem is not to blame for nearly as many problems as has traditionally been thought. It was also assumed that self esteem could never be too high.

2) Too high Self Esteem Linked to Criminality

It is now clear that too high self esteem or 'High Self Esteem Disorder' is often more of a problem. (This is NOT merely a 'disguised' form of low self-esteem, as commonly thought). So, if you are the victim of a bully then you can rest assured you don't have to feel sorry for them.
Hundreds of pieces of reliable research now show that bullies and many criminals are much more likely to suffer from unrealistically high self esteem and impulse control problems than low self esteem. An exaggerated sense of entitlement - expecting much from many situations - is more likely to lead to frustration and aggressive, antisocial, or even criminal behaviour. If self esteem can be too low it can also be too high. It was a crazy and unwarranted assumption that all human behaviour could be explained a way by low self esteem.
So what are the symptoms of real low self esteem?

3) Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem

1. Social withdrawal
2. Anxiety and emotional turmoil
3. Lack of social skills and self confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness
4. Less social conformity
5. Eating disorders
6. Inability to accept compliments
7. An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself
8. Accentuating the negative
9. Exaggerated concern over what you imagine other people think
10. Self neglect
11. Treating yourself badly but NOT other people
12. Worrying whether you have treated others badly
13. Reluctance to take on challenges
14. Reluctance to put yourself first or anywhere.
15. Reluctance to trust your own opinion
16. Expecting little out of life for yourself

So what is likely to cause very low self esteem? Tale a look at how to build self esteem. But one major factor is history.

4) Child Abuse Increases Likelihood of Low Self Esteem

People who were abused as children (physical beating or sexual abuse) are more likely to suffer low self esteem as adults (6) They have learned that they are of little value in themselves or just an object to be used. They have been 'brain washed' by constant criticism or abuse that they are a certain way. When a person begins to question this former conditioning or brainwashing then a healthier and more accurate sense of self can begin to emerge. This happens in a similar way to how people may break away from the brainwashing of a cult. There are other forms of abuse and certainly a history of being heavily criticized or unfavorably compared to others can lead to low self esteem ("why can't you be more like your brother!").
Former abuse may lead to post traumatic stress disorder which maintains the sense of "damage" and low self worth. Once traumatic memories are dealt with effectively the mind becomes clearer to form a better self esteem. So what else does the low self esteem sufferer need?
So past conditioning (often but not always from childhood) can produce low self esteem in adults. But why didn't the drive to raise self esteem in school kids (starting in California with a legislature to raise self esteem) prevent childhood depression and low self esteem from rising?

5) You Can't Argue Someone Better!

The 1980's drive to raise low self esteem in schools backfired (4) Why? Well it was based on the idea that low self esteem can be successfully treated by a bombardment of "positive messages". But research has shown that positive affirmations actually worsen the mood of people who already have low self esteem (5). It seems that positive thinking as a "blunt instrument" used repetitively to try to brainwash people to feel better about themselves is too superficial an approach. And the person with low self esteem senses this.
Telling someone they are great or wonderful when they are constantly negative about themselves will not work. Imagine if you really detest yourself and someone tells you that you're lovely even as they are telling everyone else the same thing.
In fact people with low self esteem can be upset by disconfirming feedback. Healthy self esteem needs to emerge subtly, not as a sudden result of hearing you are 'really special' or 'fantastic'.
Paradoxically, being "too nice" to someone with very low self esteem can drive them away. People need to develop better self esteem gradually, through "proof" in the real world. Just being repeatedly told (by someone who doesn't know you that well) that "you're wonderful" has never been found to work in lifting low self esteem.
Whenever we're highly emotional our perception is distorted. When people calm down around the idea of themselves then a healthier self-esteem can emerge like a green island coming into view when mist clears.
What else do those with low self esteem need?

6) A Little More Uncertainty Can Help

Contrary to popular opinion, people with low self-esteem tend to be very sure of themselves. That's the problem. This manifests in their conviction that they are worthless or inadequate. As you will know if you have ever tried to argue with someone who puts themselves down continually, it is very hard to do! When someone with low self esteem starts to become less sure of their own opinion of themselves and therefore begins to assess counter evidence regarding their worthlessness, their self image begins to become more healthy. At first the "ugly" duckling was certain it was a failed duck but that misdirected certainty had to loosen before it's true life direction could become clear.
Good self esteem is actually a by product of living in a healthy way. So rather than trying to raise it directly it's easier to focus elsewhere (such on what a person does) and let self esteem rise as happy side effect of a change in living. What do we all need in life that will help us incidentally feel better about ourselves?

7) Build on Solid Foundations

For anyone to be psychologically and physically healthy then core needs have to be fulfilled. Being clear about what you need and making efforts to meet those needs constructively means you'll naturally have better self esteem as a by-product of living well.
This is useful list of basic human needs:

1. The need to give and receive attention
2. The need to look after your body.
3. The need for meaning, purpose and goals.
4. The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves
5. The need for creativity and stimulation
6. The need for intimacy and connection to others.
7. The need for a sense of control
8. The need for a sense of status and recognition from others.
9. The need for a sense of safety and security

Of course, it is likely that at any one time, one or more of these may be slightly lacking in your life, without dire consequences. However, in the long-term, they must all be catered for one way or another.
Something else the "low self esteemer" needs is the capacity to focus off their own emotionality and merge with experience so they gain more enjoyment from life.

8) Healthy Pleasures Are Vital

When you have a healthy level of self esteem (not self hating but not narcissistically self involved either) then you find it easier to actually forget about yourself. You'll only think about your toe if it's in pain or if you are obsessively proud of it-otherwise it can take care of itself. It's the same with your sense of self.
We all need to engage in activities which we enjoy and in which we can 'lose ourselves' regularly.
Someone's mental and even, to some extent, physical health can be directly related to how 'self-referential' they are in their conversation - as people become healthier they use the 'I' word less (7), in the same way that when your knee stops hurting you don't need to rub it any more. People should be encouraged to focus their attention away from themselves and this becomes easier once they have met their own basic emotional needs in healthy ways.
We all amplify some parts of our experience and minimize others. But if we habitually do this by expanding the bad stuff and linking that to self esteem whilst belittling the good stuff distancing positives from self esteem then it doesn't take a rocket scientist (or even a psychologist) to see that low self esteem will result.

9) Make the Most of Success

Low self esteem requires a particular attitude towards success. Whenever you succeed at something, you must 'write it off' as good luck, chance, or someone else's responsibility.
To gain a more realistic view of yourself, you need to take appropriate credit for your successes. In the Self Confidence Trainer, we call this skill 'Converting'.
This involves learning how to convert real successes into statements about your self. The other part of the picture is to view perceived failures as temporary and not statements manifestations of your 'core identity'. When you stop discounting things that go well and magnifying stuff that doesn't go so well you are less likely to be depressed or suffer low self esteem. Period.
Low self esteem treatment should consist of a balance between teaching new thinking, emotional and behavioural skills. See: How to Boost Self Esteem
Ultimately a healthy balance should be encouraged as should the development of real practical skills such as how to be assertive and build a social life.

10) It's not just about Positive Thinking!

Positive thinking can be useful in that it challenges you to form a different view on things. However, most of the time it just takes the form of arguing with yourself, and as we've seen from 4) above, this doesn't work.
Low self esteem may drive us to constantly and negatively compare ourselves to other people. As self esteem rises to a healthy level you'll find that you do this much less. Check out this 'do you have an inferiority complex?' for more ideas on how to stop negatively comparing yourself to others.
To change your self image and improve low self esteem, you need to believe in an alternative opinion of yourself through experience, not just repeat platitudes about how great you are really! After all in the words of a wise man: "If you are not for yourself then who else will be?"

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How to Overcome Shyness and Social Phobia

Shyness, (sometimes inaccurately called 'social phobia'), affects most people at some time in their life. Young people in particular find overcoming shyness difficult as they improve their social skills. And for some, shyness seems to persist into adult life, almost as if it has become a 'habit'.
Shyness has its roots in self consciousness and usually dissipates as people mature and become more experienced. However, for some it can 'stick', and then action is required.
Although most people think in terms of 'overcoming shyness', it is more likely that you will become comfortable in social situations by learning the strategies of self confidence along with social skills. Then, shyness is no longer the issue, as social nerves will melt away as a new 'habit' takes their place.

Shyness versus Social Phobia

It is my personal opinion that social phobia is too often diagnosed where people are simply experiencing natural shyness. It is perfectly natural to be a little timid in a situation where you don't yet know the 'rules', or what to do. In fact, most people experience some degree of nerves when, say going to meet friends, especially if it is somewhere they haven't been before, or someone new will be there.
We have to be very careful not to assume that there is something wrong with this. Social nerves are natural, as long as they don't get out of hand. Focusing on them and making them into a 'big thing' will only make matters worse.
When learning about social situations, young people need the chance to find their own way, without being labeled with 'social phobia'. This is not to say that social phobia does not exist; I know it does because I have worked with people suffering from it. However, in the vast majority of cases, the solution is social skills training, and perhaps relaxation and rehearsal, rather than drugs.
If a person can maintain a degree of calmness in a situation, then they are much more likely to be able to learn about how the situation works. However, if they are highly anxious and internally focused, both their emotional state and focus of attention will make it more difficult to pick up on subtle social cues.
The other key point about overcoming shyness is that most of socialising is an unconscious process. That doesn't mean you should be asleep when you're doing it, it simply means that much of human communication is non-verbal. That is, 'it's not what you say, it's the way that you say it'.
If you become highly anxious, this will tend to focus your conscious mind on your immediate environment, getting in the way of those unconscious processes.

Tips for Overcoming Shyness

Check out the tips in the article on self consciousness, particularly the ones to do with where you focus your attention.

• Practise becoming fascinated by other people. Ask them about themselves, and concentrate when they answer you. Remember what they tell you about themselves so you can talk about it later, or on another occasion.


• Great socialisers make other people feel comfortable and interesting. How do they do that? By being really, genuinely interested in other people. If you are talking to someone and you feel boring or inferior, ask why that is. Is it really all your fault?


• Practise using fewer 'personal pronouns' when you talk about things. Sentences beginning with 'I' are not only a turn-off for the listener, they also keep the focus of attention on you, which increases shyness. (Note: Of course, part of friendship is giving away things about yourself, but only when you feel it is appropriate to do so.)


• Remember that the way to overcome shyness is to focus elsewhere. Like on imagining what it will be like to really enjoy the social event, on how it will feel to be full of energy, or to be having a great conversation with someone.

The exercises and techniques contained within the Self Confidence Course should help with shyness because they focus on what to do to feel confident, rather than how to avoid feeling shy.
Overcoming shyness is about doing the things that allow you to enjoy social situations, not wondering why you feel shy! Good luck and I hope this article has been useful.
This self hypnosis download can help with shyness

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Sleep and Depression

What is the connection between sleep and being depressed?
If you don't get enough sleep you will feel more tired and this makes you susceptible to depression. If you are already depressed then lack of sleep may worsen your depression. You must cure any sleep problem you have if you want to combat your depression.

You suffer from depression - do you also suffer from insomnia?
Disturbed sleep results from thinking about your problems too much. Have you ever been tired but unable to stop thinking? Your fears and worries, can keep you awake. Insomnia happens because your brain waves need to slow down but thinking speeds them up stopping sleep.

Too much brooding and thinking?
If you dwell on problems too much during the day you may feel tired and stressed even after you sleep. Tiredness and stress cause and maintain depression. Read about stress  here.
By constantly thinking about your problems you can make them worse not better. When you are depressed you need to rest and heal. By making your brain work harder you make yourself less able to handle your problems effectively, your anxiety increases and your depression deepens.

How can dreams affect depression?
Constant brooding fuels your dreams. Too much dreaming makes you feel tired when you wake up. To fight depression you need to rest well at night.

How does REM sleep affect your depression?
REM - rapid eye movement - happens when you dream. If you have too much REM sleep or dream too much you will awake in the morning tired or even exhausted.
Your brain processes the thoughts you have had during the day in your dreams as images representing those thoughts. Reduce the thinking you do during the day and you will reduce REM sleep to a normal level.
Too much REM sleep means less relaxing deep sleep. This type of sleep helps to refresh you and keep you healthy so it is the most important part of your sleep routine. Depression is worsened when you are tired.

Why you need to cure your insomnia before you can cure your depression
When you are tired life is difficult and joyless. Insomnia strengthens your fear of lack of control. If you can't sleep well you begin to feel less in control of your life.
Depression feeds insomnia and vice-versa.
First cure your insomnia and you will feel better in mind and body making recovery possible.

Want to know how to cure your insomnia and ease your depression?
I was recently suffering from insomnia. I couldn't sleep properly at all. As this continued I started to feel depressed and tired constantly. I downloaded an ebook called "Natural Sleep Secrets". I read it from cover to cover.
In a week or two after reading "Natural Sleep Secrets" everything changed!
Now I sleep much better and understand what went wrong. I won't pretend that the book offers a miracle cure but it will explain how you can start sleeping better and end insomnia naturally. No pills are needed just get this enlightening book, read it and practise what you learn.

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How to Overcome Anxiety and Depression

Trapped by Anxiety and Fear? - How To Find The Fun Again!

Have you ever felt like you were trapped in a cycle of fear, something over which you thought you had no control? You just felt fearful and anxious; your heart racing for no apparent reason, a burning feeling in your spine, a churning in your stomach and you just wanted your Doctor to give you a magic pill to solve it. Read on to discover how to break free from the anxiety. It all feels so physical doesn’t it? You can get a pill for a headache, another physical pain, which most times works really well, so why not a pill to take away anxiety and fear? Well, of course, you may say there are plenty of pills. Tranquilizers, particularly the benzodiazepines, of which Valium (diazepam) is one of the most common, which can make you feel more relaxed. Unfortunately they wear off and afterwards you are back where you started, perhaps also with a muzzy head – great! You really would not want valium use and its long-term effect on your health get the better of you, would you?

Anti-depressants, if you are lucky enough to find the right one for you amongst the huge array of SSRIs, MAOIs, Tricyclics and others, can have a dramatic effect on your mood and may well redress the brain chemistry sufficiently for you to feel almost anxious free, and in some more acute cases are a necessity. However, does any body want to offer a guarantee on the side effects of these drugs over long periods? So what about life after drugs – nobody wants to be on drugs for the rest of their lives, and anyway are these medications just treating the symptoms not the cause?


Do you find yourself thinking a lot about your symptoms, what you are feeling, and wondering why - trying to figure out what could be the cause, perhaps some tumour, heart or other organ defect. Do you run the thoughts around in your mind again and again? Anything negative you read in the papers, hear on the radio or see on television that relates to how you feel, do you immediately adopt it as a possibility? The answer is probably mostly yes because you are on defence alert level 1 – constant fear. Everything and anything is a possible threat. How does that make you feel - more anxious, and more fearful? This fear loop accelerates and expands until eventually something gives and more often this only needs a further stressful trigger, such as a difficult journey to work or a long queue at the supermarket, and it leads to a full blown anxiety or panic attack.


This is a vicious loop caused by over-focusing on yourself and the fearful symptoms you feel. Your nerves are already over-sensitised and by focusing on negative and fearful things that is exactly how you will feel – more fearful and anxious. Seems obvious doesn’t it? So why do we do it? We focus on all this negative stuff to desperately try to understand a solution. The irony is that all this negative thinking, or focus, on what is wrong is in itself keeping us there. What you think about is what you feel. So try this. Think about one of the most embarrassing things you can think of that has happened to you. Did you ever say something about someone and they were right behind you? Think about it now. Do feel like cringing at the thought? You have recreated the thought in your mind and you relive the awful embarrassment again. This is the same thing with anxiety. The more you keep thinking about it the more you feel the symptoms of anxiety. For many Anxiety sufferers they do this to such an extent they become so damn good at it that they create the symptoms most of the time!


Now try thinking about one of the best moments of your life; a special love, winning a sports event, gaining an award, or where other people complimented you on an achievement. Recreate the thought and memory in your mind and run it through like a movie in your mind’s eye. How does that feel? Do you get the same sense of well being through your body as you rethink about that happy event as if it had just happened? Do you now feel more calm and relaxed? So it’s important to keep in mind that what we think about has a huge impact on what and how we feel.


All this time spent thinking about your symptoms, anxiety, what is wrong with you, and when you may recover, is preventing time thinking about the fun things in life you want to do and enjoy. You may initially say that in the midst of anxiety, and possibly depression as well, that you just don’t feel like thinking of fun. You aren’t in the mood. Fun things just don’t appeal any more. Well bear in mind that you have been 24/7 thinking negatively, so it may take some effort at first to change your habits from thinking about anxiety to thinking about fun. However, it probably took you some time of permanent negative thinking to get you into this fear cycle you are experiencing.


So get to it and put the same effort into thinking about fun when ever a negative thought pops into your mind. It’s OK to let your anxious symptoms run along side, just don’t think about them, and don’t dwell on them. Accept them and then think about fun. Before long your anxiety will begin to ease. If you keep at this for a sustained period you can look forward to a new dawn. As you rise above the ruts created by the anxiety and into the daylight, you will at last recover the zest for life and rediscover where all the fun had gone.

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How to Conquer your Fear of Public Speaking with these 5 Simple Steps

Top 5 Tips to Conquer your Fear of Public Speaking

Does public speaking scare you? Did you know that in a famous poll which asked "what is your no.1 fear?" That the second most common answer was death. What was the top answer? What could be more scary than death...?

That answer was public speaking. So here are five great tips to beat your fear of making speeches,giving presentations or whatever form of public speaking awaits you.

Plan, Plan, Plan, Plan

The old saying is still true - fail to plan then plan to fail... The key to delivering a successful speech is to know your material, write about what interests you and speak about something you are passionate about - for some it's much easier to talk about cars then finance. Always plan out what is appropriate for your audience, if it's something with a lot of data or numbers - then it may be more appropriate to include a variety of print outs whereas a meeting about cars could have a slide show on a projector with a variety of cars you will talk about. Sometimes you don't get to choose what you get to talk about and so you just have to find your own personal way to discuss the topic that has a personal touch, something that makes it unique.

Learn Your Material
You will find it amazingly easier to deliver a speech that you know what your talking about and that you have rehearsed, rather then one that you finished writing and printing the night before. Preparation is essentially the key to doing well in a speech and you will find that over preparing will never hurt.

The Delivery
Okay, so your standing in front of a crowd and it doesn't matter how big that crowd is, you may be feeling like your heart is beating at 150 miles an hour. Everything is moving so fast, and you hear your name called to start your speech. You feel queasy inside and as you open your mouth to say a word, you feel no moisture - just a dry mouth. This is what you will feel like most likely and don't worry, there are many other people who feel the exact same way when delivering a speech. This is how you may feel at the beginning but when you finish speaking you will feel completely different if you manage to keep the audience interested and maintain in control of yourself.

Do's and Do Not's

Do: Relax
Before you start, take a deep breath and just build yourself up. My favorite quote to say when I am in that position is to say, 'I can achieve whatever I believe'. Keep taking deep breaths whenever you need to, your audience will be thankful that you are pacing every now and then - it also gives them a chance to soak in the information. If you have the option, you can take a sip of water every now and then as a breather break.

Don't: Apologize for a Mistake
Don't apologize for a mistake. People most likely didn't notice it and stopping and saying, 'I'm sorry - that wasn't meant to be there' is more likely going to do more harm then good. Just continue on like you didn't even notice you made a mistake, it's the same concept when performing in a dance competition or a music recital - don't stop if you mess up - just continue and show you have the ability to adapt to any situation.

Do: Enthusiasm
Nobody likes a speech without enthusiasm and you will often find it may be difficult to speak up and project your voice but it will involve your audience and be worth it in the end.

Don't: Worry about Blushing/Embarrassment
Everyone hates speaking in a crowd (well mostly everyone - including me) and naturally some people will blush or get 'red faced'. The more you worry about it, the more people will take notice to it. If you focus your energy on engaging your listeners and forget about the blushing then it will fade as soon as it arrived and less people will care about it because you obviously don't seem to.

The Aftermath
You did it! You finished your speech and guess what? You're still alive and I am sure you even got a hand of applause when you finished. Feels good doesn't it? Well, you put in the hard work and survived - take a deep breath and acknowledge any complements with a quick thanks.

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How to deal with Control Freaks in 5 Steps

5 Steps for Dealing with a Control Freak

How to Cope with Control Freaks

Control freaks don’t tend to make people around them happy. Okay, this is an understatement. Being in the constant orbit of a control freak can make you downright miserable.
Colleagues, friends, and partners can feel their every thought, action, and opinion is only valid if it concurs totally with the control freak’s take on things. We all need to feel we control some things to help us feel secure and safe; but the constant judging, micromanaging, interfering, bossiness, and manipulation of a dictatorial control freak goes way beyond this.
Feeling constantly judged, micromanaged, and manipulated eventually builds resentment, bitterness, and anxiety. The lack of tolerance or credit given for any initiative of our own makes us feel subjugated, like dejected subjects of some despotic ruler whose one role is to hear and obey. Remember that control freaks are “status junkies”. Anything they feel you say or do to undermine their own sense of inflated self won’t be tolerated, regardless of your thoughts and feelings.
And whether they intended to bully or not, the fallout is that people feel steamrollered and bullied.
So how can you best deal with a control freak?
Understand that yes, you are dealing with a control freak
No matter how intelligent, ingenious, and prone to being right your control freak is, despite all that or whether they are wonderfully helpful sometimes, you still have to deal with that controlling behavior, that tyrannical bit of them. Separate all the wonderful good they might be doing through their tremendous drive to get things done from the fact that you feel totally controlled by them.
We can make excuses for other people at the same time as they make us feel acutely bad. So right here and right now, whatever their “saving graces”, understand what you have to deal with by separating in your own mind the good stuff about them from this overbearing control.
Respect your own autonomy
We all need to feel a sense of independence and self-direction. Even if the control freak is your boss, don’t feel you have to automatically say yes to every little whim and demand.
A client of mine was amazed by the idea she could sometimes turn down her boss’s demand she do unpaid overtime after work. “Treat your boss’s unreasonable orders as if they were requests,” I suggested to her. Whenever he “ordered” her to work unpaid, she would tell him she’d get back to him about it after seeing whether it was possible. This started to alter “the game”. He began to appreciate she wasn’t a doormat.
Sometimes you have to force people into the situation of behaving decently rather than waiting until they “see the light”. If you don’t behave as if your own sense of autonomy is important, than neither will the dictator in your life.
Don’t always be “nice”
Control freaks don’t play by the rules of “niceness”. Helpfulness, a willingness to pull together and “not make waves”, is part of human nature. Many of us like to help if we can because we are “hard-wired” to. Human beings are social creatures and after all, we don’t want to hurt the control freak’s feelings.
But control freaks sometimes like to meet their match. They’ll respect people who have a will and mind of their own or even those who don’t overly care whether they are liked or respected by the CF. Control freaks are so hard to please that you might waste many lifetimes trying to please, placate, and pacify them only to inevitably fail. If someone is pathologically mean with their praise or consideration of your feelings and needs, then don’t treat them as if they are not like this.
Don’t argue; it won’t work
Don’t be too nice because control freaks don’t really work in the realms of “niceness” (as opposed to charm), but don’t get into long-winded arguments trying to justify your position, either. Control freaks are great at arguing why you and everyone else in the world should feel, think, do, and say just as they see fit. Just make your point once and keep coming back to it. If you don’t want to paint your bedroom wall the color they demand is best, then tell them so but don’t feel you have to justify your position. This “broken record technique” is hugely effective. Just state your position (“I want to paint my walls lime green!”) and repeat whatever they say. They’ll soon get bored.
Life’s too short
If you don’t have to have this person in your life, consider cutting them loose to go on their way dictating and steamrollering others. We risk becoming control freaks ourselves when we feel it’s our divine role to change them. We may help others to change by adjusting our own responses, but ultimately they are responsible for themselves.
Part of their journey to maturity needs to be a realization that other people are not just puppets to be bent to their will. This is how very small children may see the world, but a mature human being knows what they can and cannot influence and control.
Some control freaks really do want to change and they might need help. I am reminded of the cartoon in which a man tells his wife: “You know, my New Year’s resolution is to stop telling you what to do all the time and I’ve also written down what your New Year’s resolutions are going to be!”

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How To Overcome Fear

Anytime you’re procrastinating or not following through on something, it’s because you don’t have enough LEVERAGE on yourself.  You’re avoiding facing the truth and being 100% honest with yourself, so instead you say things to yourself like, “I can do it later” or “It’s not that important” or “I don’t feel like it” or whatever B.S. story you tell yourself.
It’s not until you say, “WAIT… that’s bullshit.  What will it cost me in my life if I don’t do this?  What’s the ultimate consequence?”
When you face that reality, you will have a rude awakening and get your butt into gear towards doing whatever you need to do.
We’re all driven by PAIN and PLEASURE.  We’ll do almost anything to AVOID pain, and anything to GAIN pleasure.
If you’re not doing something, it’s because you’re associating PAIN to doing it.  Instead, why not associate the PAIN to not doing it?  If you think about it, the pain of being over-weight and having low energy and getting a serious disease FAR OUTWEIGHS the temporarily pleasure and satisfaction you will get by eating that cookie.  But when you eat that cookie, you are only thinking about the pleasure, instead of looking at the consequences of eating it.
Here’s the questions to ask yourself to get leverage:
1. What will it cost me in my life if I continue living this way?
2. What is the ultimate consequence?
3. What will it cost me in emotionally, in my relationships, friendships, family, finances, health, spiritual life?
4. What will I have to give up or miss out on by living this way?
5. What have I already missed out on?  What has it already cost me in my life?
6. What will it cost me 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years from now if I continue living this way?
Alternatively, you can also ask pleasure-enducing questions to associate PLEASURE to doing whatever it is that you want.
Here’s some pleasure-enducing questions to get leverage:
1. What will I gain by doing this?
2. How is this going to move me closer towards my dreams and who I want to become?
3. How will doing this add to every area of my life?  My relationships? Emotional life? Finances? Health?  etc…
4. What will my life be like 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now by doing this?
The trick is to make sure that you’re consistently asking yourself these questions throughout the day.
If you find yourself still not consistently doing it, it’s simply because you’re not getting enough leverage on yourself.  I’ve had times in my life where I broke down in tears and experienced massive pain, until I hit what I call “Emotional Threshold” and that’s when things clicked and I transformed.
I didn’t hit emotional threshold by intellectually thinking of the pain or pleasure, instead I really made sure that I FELT IT at my core – I experienced the pain/pleasure fully, which is what propelled me to make the change permanent.
Today, there are things that I will NEVER AGAIN indulge in because it’s far too painful for me to go back – things like video games, sitting around watching TV, binge eating, depression, being lazy or procrastinating.
The truth is, you should be MORE AFRAID of those destructive habits than doing what you need to do.

The truth will set you free.

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How to Overcome adversity

Despite the challenges or obstacles that you’re going to inevitably face in this lifetime, it’s up to us to direct our focus and find the empowering meaning in whatever life gives us.  One of the best ways to do that is ask yourself empowering questions, such as, “What is great about this?”, or “What can I learn from this?”, or “How can I use this to grow and give more?”, and more importantly, “How can I turn this around?”

If you ask empowering questions, your brain will come up with the answers.

Life doesn’t happen to me, it happens FOR me.

There are also certain beliefs that really guide me through the most challenging times.  One of them is that “Everything happens for a reason and a purpose, and it serves me.”  I believe there is GOOD to be found in anything that life throws at us, it’s up to us to find it.  Every human experience can benefit us in some way.  We can learn from it, grow from it, and use it to give more to others.

Also, understand that nothing in life is permanent.  No problem is permanent or so pervasive that we can’t overcome it.  With that said, one belief I always use is I say to myself, “This too shall pass.”  And it always inevitably does.  Whatever suffering or pain you’re currently going through, it will pass with time.  Understand that this moment doesn’t define you.  Just get back on the horse, keep taking action and move your feet.  Eventually, you will come out the other side victorious.

If you’re going through hell, KEEP GOING.

I hope this blog post can really serve you in some way.  While things can be challenging in the moment, you have to keep your faith and see things better than it is.  Understand, believe, and know that things will work out and your life will turn out the way you want it to as long as you keep your eyes on the horizon.

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